vesselcollective

5 Chris Reid

In Lost, Submission on August 17, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Monday 6/21/2010
8:35am—I don’t know why, but more often than not I wake up sweating, anxious and stressed. The beginning of a new week is like drawing a circle, I always wind up at the same god damn place I was, and it’s never perfect along the way, no matter how hard I try. I already have a missed call from a 1-800 number, surely a creditor leaving a 42 second recorded message asking me to call back. Too stressed-out to sleep. I’ll go watch The Sopranos.

11:12am—I fell asleep again and this time I woke up in tears but I don’t know why. The only reason I put up with this is because I usually only see one option out, but I could never do that to mom. It’s not her fault I turned out this way.

12:30pm—I’m going to work now. I get paid pretty well for a college drop-out with four felonies and a door broken down with a battering ram. Surprisingly, I’m one of the better employees at work, and I’m not sure why. You’d think an off and on suicidal nutcase would just say ‘fuck it’ and quit, but I haven’t yet. . . . Maybe because, sadly enough, my job is the only thing I’m proud of any more.

10:17pm—Crush, mix with water, drop in a piece of cotton, add suction, find a good blood canal and slam the plunger in. “This is the rush cockroaches get at the end of the world”—my favorite Every Time I Die lyric.

10:40pm—What a waste of money, but I can’t wait until I do it again.

Tuesday 6/22/2010
10:15am—I can’t believe I actually slept in. I just remembered I didn’t eat yesterday. I’ve lost something like 30 pounds in 6 months. I really can’t afford that. Have you ever seen a time-lapsed video of a body decaying?

12:10pm—It’s so hot out. I wish I could still wear short sleeves.

2:30pm—Just took an early break at work. You can’t really help customers or other employees when you’re tearing up and you don’t know why.

10:50pm—Still haven’t eaten. Wait, I did eat a donut at work. I’m going to let a snake bite me and go to sleep.

Wednesday 6/22/2010
9:37am—I just had a really intense dream where all I wanted to do was convince someone that 1 + 1 = 3. In the dream, I punched the guy that wouldn’t believe me.

1:30pm—One of my supervisors came to talk to me and asked me if something was wrong. I immediately broke into tears and walked out of the building.

10:00pm—I really don’t know if I’ll wake up tomorrow. This is one of those times you’re supposed to call someone you love, but I’m already such a burden. I’d rather just finish this bottle of tequila and handful of pills and see what happens.

Thursday 6/24/2010
7:12am—I just got the biggest feeling of disappointment due to the fact that I woke up this morning.

2:10pm—I just ate a sandwich. See? Sometimes I can be normal. I’m starting to get sweaty and feeling sick though. On my lunch I’m going home to take the medicine that only makes me more sick. Then, I’ll go back to work and pretend that I’m happy.

9:45pm—I just called my mom and cried for like 20 minutes. I wish so bad that she knew why, but at the same time it would just kill her. I swear that my life is like winning a lottery in reverse. I was born with everything in the world, and since then it has slowly gotten worse. I’ve lost almost every single meaningful thing in my life. I once had the most beautiful, loving girlfriend too. About 2 years ago. Although she made her mistakes, I was just a dead fly in her glass of water by the time our relationship ended. No, more like a sick dog she couldn’t take care of anymore and had to let go. I haven’t been happy since. I’ve pretended to be but that is so transparent I don’t even try anymore. I remember one night when I had a warrant for my arrest and I was awaiting a prison sentence, I overheard her on the phone in the other room crying and saying, “It’s just such a bad situation.” That is what my life had become—A really bad situation.

Friday 6/25/2010
10:45am—I won’t be able to make it through today if I don’t hit a vein before work. You can’t really cry if you numb yourself, even if you try.

10pm—Cool. Another 5 days of work done. As much as I hate it, it’s the only place where I have any worth. This weekend I’m going to make a difference.

Saturday 6/26/2010
1:35pm—I have no idea why I slept in so late. The World Cup is on.

2:30pm—Two “friends” came over. My table is lined with self destructive substances.

7:30pm—My table is now empty and I am filled with more self hate than ever. Thank god for Xanax. . . .

10pm—My body feels air conditioned. It’s so sad that the first time I feel peaceful this week is benzo-induced.

Sunday 6/27/2010
11:15am—A friend that knows I’ve been feeling down a lot recently brought me more drugs for free. It’s like keeping someone in a cage and making them think you’re taking care of them. He means no harm, but he does plenty.

6:25pm—I just ate a huge meal with some fresh fruit. Is this what it’s like to be a normal, happy person? I can’t even remember any more.

11:37pm—I’m scared to go to bed, because when I wake up I’ll be at the beginning of the circle. About to put that pencil to a piece of paper and attempt the perfect curves. I usually just erase it and try again but I swear one day I’m going to crack and just crumple up the paper and throw it away. If I didn’t love my mom so much.

-Chris Reid, Tampa.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: